It is 1:40 in the morning. Of course I wouldn't be able to sleep on the night before I have 4744382234 things to do.
It's only been the second week of classes and I'm already drowning. I've got so much on my plate because I can't help but say yes to people who need help. I've got Randy's recital tomorrow. I've got PCCA at the end of the week and I don't even know half of the music. Every time I try to sit down to learn it, it's like my brain shuts off and doesn't want to take anything in. I'm on overload and I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate and I don't even know how I make it through each day.
And I don't have anyone here to help me. I don't even have myself to help me because I've already stretched myself in 20 different directions. I don't have anyone to help me, so I just have to push everything I need help with into that small part of my brain I use to forget things because thinking about them would make me fall apart and I can't do that because I don't know if I could pull myself back together.
I hate it. So much. But I don't have much of a choice, so I just have to keep soldiering on and hope for one of two things: If I keep pushing on, everything will sort itself out, or I'll find someone here who will help me and I will let them help.
Here's hoping, because it's the only thing I've got left.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Vent.
FUCK YOU ALL.
I'm so fucking done with people here. So done. Fucking bitches.
I just needed to get that off my chest in a place where it shouldn't come back and bite me in the ass.
I'm so fucking done with people here. So done. Fucking bitches.
I just needed to get that off my chest in a place where it shouldn't come back and bite me in the ass.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friendless.
That is my biggest fear.
Out of all the friends I've had over the years, there is only one I still talk to on a regular basis. There are times when old friends drift away, but I've always had new friends around. Not that the old friends weren't as good. It was just time for us to go our separate ways. I fear it's happening again, though, but, this time, I don't have that group of new friends, and I don't know what to do. I've only got one friend that I actively talk to on a regular basis that I don't see every day. I've got a lot of good acquaintances at school, but no one I feel that closeness of a real friendship with, and I'm scared.
I don't want to be alone.
That is my biggest fear. That I won't have any friends. That I'll be alone. That no one really loves or cares about me. Yes, I am a strong independent woman, but even they need friends. Everyone needs some sort of support system and I'm losing mine. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I don't know what I'm doing anymore or if it's the right thing for me. I'm so lost. And I'm afraid no one will find me.
Out of all the friends I've had over the years, there is only one I still talk to on a regular basis. There are times when old friends drift away, but I've always had new friends around. Not that the old friends weren't as good. It was just time for us to go our separate ways. I fear it's happening again, though, but, this time, I don't have that group of new friends, and I don't know what to do. I've only got one friend that I actively talk to on a regular basis that I don't see every day. I've got a lot of good acquaintances at school, but no one I feel that closeness of a real friendship with, and I'm scared.
I don't want to be alone.
That is my biggest fear. That I won't have any friends. That I'll be alone. That no one really loves or cares about me. Yes, I am a strong independent woman, but even they need friends. Everyone needs some sort of support system and I'm losing mine. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I don't know what I'm doing anymore or if it's the right thing for me. I'm so lost. And I'm afraid no one will find me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"Love them as I have loved them."
I've been missing on here for awhile. The past few days have been incredibly busy and incredibly emotional.
I want to take this time and this post to dedicate to a great man who has made an impact on so many lives.
I had initially met Mr. Dearing at PMEA Regional Chorus during my senior year of high school back in 2007, but it wasn't until I came to IUP two years later that I really met him. You could tell right away that he loved his job and loved his students. I can remember the day after I had auditioned for the Music Performance major he called me over after a rehearsal to talk to me. Apparently, people who have never had experience with Operas shouldn't audition for that major, something I hadn't a clue about until he told me then. Then he told me, if it was up to him, I would be in. He was the first person at IUP who showed faith in me, something that I really needed to hear at that time because I didn't really have anyone there. If there is one thing I admired about him the most, it was the fact that he never cared about how much experience you had. You could have been singing in choirs and doing opera and all kinds of things since you were young, or you could have walked in to audition for his choirs without any experience at all. All he cared about was if you had the talent. You just needed to be able to sing. He gave everyone that chance. I was blessed to be able to work with him for the two and a half semesters I had with him. I only wish there were more.
Last semester, he passed away after a long battle with cancer. It was a tough semester. He had been ill since before I arrived at IUP, but it wasn't until this semester that things took a real bad turn and it hurt to see him unable to do the one thing he loved more than anything. His passing, while not completely unexpected, was hard for many. It wasn't until this weekend, though, that it really hit me. This weekend, I volunteered to take part in singing at the memorial concert that was set up for him. It was so beautiful. It was amazing to see how many people showed up to sing; how many people were inspired by him. He was a great man, and I will miss him greatly.
That being said, the new choral director we have has been so great about everything. He is a really wonderful man who understands what he has walked into. The title of this post is what Mr. Dearing wrote in his farewell letter to the Chamber Singers and I believe that this new director plans on doing just that.
Farewell, Mr. Dearing. You have touched the lives of so many, and we will never forget the love and music you shared with us. I hope you're up in heaven directing the choir of angels with some of the greats and telling everyone your jokes.
I want to take this time and this post to dedicate to a great man who has made an impact on so many lives.
I had initially met Mr. Dearing at PMEA Regional Chorus during my senior year of high school back in 2007, but it wasn't until I came to IUP two years later that I really met him. You could tell right away that he loved his job and loved his students. I can remember the day after I had auditioned for the Music Performance major he called me over after a rehearsal to talk to me. Apparently, people who have never had experience with Operas shouldn't audition for that major, something I hadn't a clue about until he told me then. Then he told me, if it was up to him, I would be in. He was the first person at IUP who showed faith in me, something that I really needed to hear at that time because I didn't really have anyone there. If there is one thing I admired about him the most, it was the fact that he never cared about how much experience you had. You could have been singing in choirs and doing opera and all kinds of things since you were young, or you could have walked in to audition for his choirs without any experience at all. All he cared about was if you had the talent. You just needed to be able to sing. He gave everyone that chance. I was blessed to be able to work with him for the two and a half semesters I had with him. I only wish there were more.
Last semester, he passed away after a long battle with cancer. It was a tough semester. He had been ill since before I arrived at IUP, but it wasn't until this semester that things took a real bad turn and it hurt to see him unable to do the one thing he loved more than anything. His passing, while not completely unexpected, was hard for many. It wasn't until this weekend, though, that it really hit me. This weekend, I volunteered to take part in singing at the memorial concert that was set up for him. It was so beautiful. It was amazing to see how many people showed up to sing; how many people were inspired by him. He was a great man, and I will miss him greatly.
That being said, the new choral director we have has been so great about everything. He is a really wonderful man who understands what he has walked into. The title of this post is what Mr. Dearing wrote in his farewell letter to the Chamber Singers and I believe that this new director plans on doing just that.
Farewell, Mr. Dearing. You have touched the lives of so many, and we will never forget the love and music you shared with us. I hope you're up in heaven directing the choir of angels with some of the greats and telling everyone your jokes.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Day Four.
A habit you wish you didn't have:
I have plenty of those. I wish I weren't so unmotivated. I wish I didn't eat when bored. I think the habit I most wish I didn't have would be my unwillingness to confide in people. I just don't. For many reasons. Sometimes I don't want to bother people with my issues. I always think they're not that big and other people have their own problems to deal with, why should I bother them with mine? Sometimes I don't trust people. I assume they're not going to care or use it against me. I don't let people get close.
So, yeah. That's that...
I have plenty of those. I wish I weren't so unmotivated. I wish I didn't eat when bored. I think the habit I most wish I didn't have would be my unwillingness to confide in people. I just don't. For many reasons. Sometimes I don't want to bother people with my issues. I always think they're not that big and other people have their own problems to deal with, why should I bother them with mine? Sometimes I don't trust people. I assume they're not going to care or use it against me. I don't let people get close.
So, yeah. That's that...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day Three.
Three: A picture of you and your friends.
I've had a fair few groups of friends over the years. Some of those friends were wonderful, some weren't. I do what I can to forget those who weren't, but I'll never forget the ones who were there for me, even if I don't see them often anymore. The friends in this picture are some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I am so blessed to have them in my life. They really helped me to become myself and be my own person. They are always there for a good laugh and a good rant. I honestly don't know what my life would be like without them. This is the gang. We might not see each other as often as we used to back in high school, but we're still a pretty awesome group of friends. As you can tell by the picture, we're quite ridiculous.
I've had a fair few groups of friends over the years. Some of those friends were wonderful, some weren't. I do what I can to forget those who weren't, but I'll never forget the ones who were there for me, even if I don't see them often anymore. The friends in this picture are some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I am so blessed to have them in my life. They really helped me to become myself and be my own person. They are always there for a good laugh and a good rant. I honestly don't know what my life would be like without them. This is the gang. We might not see each other as often as we used to back in high school, but we're still a pretty awesome group of friends. As you can tell by the picture, we're quite ridiculous.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Day Two.
The meaning behind your name:
When I was born, my parents didn't exactly agree on what they wanted to name me. My mom was campaigning for "Rachel" while my dad was pushing hard for "Anastasia." (As much as I love the name Anastasia, it wouldn't really go with my ridiculously long last name. Unfortunately.) Neither of them were budging. That's when my older brother, who was around three at the time, gave the name "Daniel." It was at that moment that I was named "Danielle" after my mom's grandfather. Or so I thought.
This is what I was told for many years. It wasn't until a few years ago that my mom let the real story slip while my family was out to dinner with my aunt and uncle and cousins. Apparently, the idea to name me "Danielle" was not my brother's idea. Instead, what happened was that my mom, knowing my dad wasn't budging and didn't want Rachel as my name either, quietly suggested the name to my brother, knowing that my dad might better accept the name if his son were to say it. It worked. It was at that moment that I was named "Danielle" after my mom's grandfather.
Danielle the feminine French version of the Hebrew name "Daniel" which means "God is my Judge." Oddly enough, I feel this kind of fits me. I've always stood by the thought that it's not my job to judge people, it's God's job. I don't know if a lot of things are right or wrong. Hell, I don't even know if God actually exists in any shape or form. So who am I to say that something is wrong? If you're an asshole, yeah, I'm going to judge you for that, because I'm pretty sure I know what makes an asshole. But when it comes to things that can't be proven by common knowledge, then it's not my place to judge. I don't know who'll go to "heaven" or "hell" so I don't have a right to condemn someone for things that I can't know for certain. Jesus didn't judge people. He accepted all kinds of people, so shouldn't I do the same? Shouldn't you do the same? Judge people for their actions and the way they treat others, not who they are. Why should I condemn someone for loving someone else? That just sounds stupid.
So yeah.
That's my name.
When I was born, my parents didn't exactly agree on what they wanted to name me. My mom was campaigning for "Rachel" while my dad was pushing hard for "Anastasia." (As much as I love the name Anastasia, it wouldn't really go with my ridiculously long last name. Unfortunately.) Neither of them were budging. That's when my older brother, who was around three at the time, gave the name "Daniel." It was at that moment that I was named "Danielle" after my mom's grandfather. Or so I thought.
This is what I was told for many years. It wasn't until a few years ago that my mom let the real story slip while my family was out to dinner with my aunt and uncle and cousins. Apparently, the idea to name me "Danielle" was not my brother's idea. Instead, what happened was that my mom, knowing my dad wasn't budging and didn't want Rachel as my name either, quietly suggested the name to my brother, knowing that my dad might better accept the name if his son were to say it. It worked. It was at that moment that I was named "Danielle" after my mom's grandfather.
Danielle the feminine French version of the Hebrew name "Daniel" which means "God is my Judge." Oddly enough, I feel this kind of fits me. I've always stood by the thought that it's not my job to judge people, it's God's job. I don't know if a lot of things are right or wrong. Hell, I don't even know if God actually exists in any shape or form. So who am I to say that something is wrong? If you're an asshole, yeah, I'm going to judge you for that, because I'm pretty sure I know what makes an asshole. But when it comes to things that can't be proven by common knowledge, then it's not my place to judge. I don't know who'll go to "heaven" or "hell" so I don't have a right to condemn someone for things that I can't know for certain. Jesus didn't judge people. He accepted all kinds of people, so shouldn't I do the same? Shouldn't you do the same? Judge people for their actions and the way they treat others, not who they are. Why should I condemn someone for loving someone else? That just sounds stupid.
So yeah.
That's my name.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Day One
There's this thing a lot of people seem to be doing lately on Facebook that I've been contemplating doing. It wasn't until I found out that it started on Blogger that I decided to do it and do it here. So here it goes. 30 days worth of posts. (Don't expect it to be every day. Let's be serious, it's me here.)
Day One:
A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself:
1. My last name is ridiculously German. Because of that, I refuse to actually learn German because I don't want to prove anyone's assumption correct that I know the language.
2. I hate being German because I feel it is the main reason I am ridiculously tall and wide.
3. I feel people are intimidated by my size.
4. I find this incredibly annoying because I'm a really nice person and not intimidating at all. At least I don't think so.
5. I am incredibly shy around strangers, but can be really loud and outgoing around friends.
6. One of my new favorite shows on TV is "The Walking Dead" and whenever I watch it I become irrationally afraid of the Zombie Apocalypse.
7. I do believe the Zombie Apocalypse can happen and am preparing myself for it.
8. I am a feminist. No, I do not burn bras, nor do I never shave. I don't have men, either. At least not most of the time.
9. I am secretly a nerd. I don't think people ever suspect me of this, though.
10. I think I'm funny. I'm aware that I'm not always as funny as I think I am. I do have my moments, though.
11. I have an irrational fear of calling people on the phone.
12. I have never been kissed.
13. I am really bad at filling these things out.
14. I am attracted to musical talent and celebrities over the age of 30.
15. I'm pretty much doing this for myself because I don't think anyone actually reads this on a regular basis.
Day One:
A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself:
 |
| My first time playing airsoft. |
1. My last name is ridiculously German. Because of that, I refuse to actually learn German because I don't want to prove anyone's assumption correct that I know the language.
2. I hate being German because I feel it is the main reason I am ridiculously tall and wide.
3. I feel people are intimidated by my size.
4. I find this incredibly annoying because I'm a really nice person and not intimidating at all. At least I don't think so.
5. I am incredibly shy around strangers, but can be really loud and outgoing around friends.
6. One of my new favorite shows on TV is "The Walking Dead" and whenever I watch it I become irrationally afraid of the Zombie Apocalypse.
7. I do believe the Zombie Apocalypse can happen and am preparing myself for it.
8. I am a feminist. No, I do not burn bras, nor do I never shave. I don't have men, either. At least not most of the time.
9. I am secretly a nerd. I don't think people ever suspect me of this, though.
10. I think I'm funny. I'm aware that I'm not always as funny as I think I am. I do have my moments, though.
11. I have an irrational fear of calling people on the phone.
12. I have never been kissed.
13. I am really bad at filling these things out.
14. I am attracted to musical talent and celebrities over the age of 30.
15. I'm pretty much doing this for myself because I don't think anyone actually reads this on a regular basis.
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