Another year gone, yet nothing's different.

Last week I turned 22.

It wasn't until today that it hit me, and it wasn't in any sort of exciting, great way.

No. Instead, I just remembered that 22 years have gone by in my life without any hope of love. Not once. No first kiss. No first date. No first boyfriend. No nothing. I've been alone all 22 years of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of holding myself up. I'm tired of pretending like everything is fine and nothing is ever wrong.

Trouble is, I'm beginning to think it'll never happen. Who wants to love a socially awkward, unnecessarily tall fatass? According to the world and these past 22 years, no one. I'm probably destined to live alone for the rest of my life with just a couple of dogs to keep my company. Crazy dog lady. It's all I'll ever be.

It's not low self-esteem. It's just basic fact.

There are days when I really don't like myself.

I've had a lot of those lately.

Everyone always says tells you that happiness and acceptance comes from within, but when you're the only one who believes in yourself, there's a point where it's only foolish to keep doing so. If no one else believes, at some point, they've got to be right, right? It's you against the world. The world is a lot more people than you. It's basic math.

I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel beautiful. I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel talented. I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel special in any way at all.

People always seem to be surprised when I tell them I've never had a boyfriend and never even been kissed. To me, it's not surprising. They always ask why, and I always say I don't know. In my head, though, I know the answer. No one's ever thought I was worth it. I mean, there really isn't any other answer. How else could a girl who is almost 22 only ever been asked out once (in middle school, which doesn't even really count... It's middle school. Besides, I turned him down.)

All my life, and only one person has ever even considered wanting to date me.

What I would give to feel pretty. To feel loved. To feel special.

Instead I just feel fat and ugly. They're probably right, anyways...

Friends.

I'm pretty sure I don't have friends anymore. At least not in the real sense.

I can only think of one right now.

So I don't have friends anymore. I just have friend.

Here, though... Here I don't have any.

No friends. Not one. I can't fucking trust anyone here. I hate it.