Losing myself.

I am sitting, but I feel like the world is falling around me. I can feel everything changing and I'm scared. The few things I have left that keep me tied to home are slipping away and nothing pulls me anywhere else. I'm losing home. Soon I won't have a place where I belong and I don't know what to do. I'm floating or falling, depending on how you care to view it. Unfortunately, I've never been good with change.

I am sitting here feeling more alone than I have in a long time, unable to cry for help. Muted by my fear of letting anyone in.

At least I have my dog. She loves me even as the rest of the world turns away. She loves me when no one else ever has.

And still it's not enough.

A good day.

Today was a good day. The weather was gorgeous, and, for the first time in a while, I felt good. I wasn't exhausted or upset or stressed or any of the things I had been all this weekend. I just got to relax for the first time in a long time and I needed it more than anything. I spent all day with friends and played with guinea pigs in the oak grove. I laughed to the point of almost crying and spent 10 minutes silently laughing while trying not to laugh in the middle of a church service. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was a part of a big group of friends and I didn't once worry they didn't actually want to be around me.

Today was a good day. A good day with good weather, spent with good friends, having a good time. I felt good. It was good. I was good. I needed that.

Untitled.

I'd go to the end of the world for you, but I don't think you'd even notice when I got there. Why would I expect you to when you have so much more to choose from? You'd think I'd be used to being second best by now. To being overlooked. Forgotten. You'd think my heart would stop breaking each time I'm reminded of it. I'm a fool for thinking things would ever be different. I'm a fool for thinking that, for once, someone could possibly love me.

Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?