One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I can't even explain how I'm feeling right now. One minute I'm feeling great and the next I'm stressed or lonely or unsure. I'm so moody, lately, and I hate it. I don't even know why.

I think part of it has to do with this irrational fear of people not liking me for absolutely no reason. Or at least no reason I know or understand. I think I know why I have this fear, but we don't need to get into the psychology of it, since it doesn't seem to affect this irrational fear anyways. It's a fear that I can't seem to shake, no matter how silly I tell myself it is. I guess it's tied to that fear that I'll never find love. So, instead of trying my best to face my fear of people not liking me and going out and trying to find love, I shy away from strangers and new faces because I think it's easier to hide my heart and keep it safe than take the risk of getting it broken, whether in friendship or love.

I'm kind of a little fucked up, I guess.

Bigfoot vs. The Shoe Industry

I HATE shoe shopping.



That's not exactly true.

       Let me be more specific.  I don't actually hate looking at shoes.  I actually quite like it.  There are so many different kinds of shoes and they're all so cute!  (Mostly.  Those Ugg boots are ugly as fuck.  Hate them.)  What I hate about shoe shopping is this: They rarely ever have my size.  The only place I know of that consistently does is Payless, and, while their shoes are cute, they aren't particularly long lasting.  In any other store, if they have my size, it's never in the shoes I like.  I can't remember the last time I went to a nice department store and found a pair of 11s that weren't some hideous excuse for a pair of shoes.

       I know what you're going to say next.  "What about shopping online?  Surely you can find something there in your size!"  Ignoring the fact that I would much rather try the shoe on in person to see if I like the way it fits and how it looks on my foot, I have tried this. Sometimes, it works.  A lot of the times, it doesn't.  Case in point: I have been looking for a decent pair of boots for over a year now.  I have yet to find a pair that I like that comes in my size.  And, even if I do find that, there's always the good chance that, when I get those boots in the mail, they still aren't going to fit because my calves are asshole mutants of nature and like to send out a big screw you to me whenever I try on boots.  The boot might fit my foot, but it doesn't always fit my jackass huge calf. 

       "Okay," you might say. "Why not try a different kind of boot?" Want to know what I'd say to you? "Fuck you." Yup. Fuck you, because it's my money and I know what kind of boots I want and I have a right as a greedy corporate American customer to get what I want. I'm not going to buy some other type of boot that I don't want because companies can't make a boot that fits me.  I'm tired of stores implying that I'm some sort of freak of nature because my shoe size is bigger than "average."  You know what?  My mom has the same size shoe as me.  My friend has a size bigger than me.  There are many "average" women out there who share my shoe size, and I find it's a disservice to us that stores and shoe companies can't supply our demands.  We have just as much of a right as the size 7 footed women out there to have cute shoes and boots, and I'm tired of being counted out because I'm too tall or too big.  Fuck you.

Average, Same-Old Life Moment

It's been awhile.

       This always happens, though.  I start some BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! and I think, "Hey!  I'll blog about it so that everyone can experience all the awesomeness I will!"  A few months later, I realize my BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! is nowhere near as exciting as the movies and TV make them out to be, so I get bored and stop blogging.  It's like finding out Santa isn't real.  (Sorry if I ruined it for anyone!)

       When you think Santa is real, Christmas is so exciting because, every year, some big jolly guy with a beard and a red suit manages to fly around the world with 8 reindeer to deliver everyone presents.  You don't know how he does it, and you don't know how he gets into your house if you don't have a chimney, but you could care less.  Santa is leaving you magical presents!  Then you get older, and you begin to see the holes, and you eventually figure out he's not real.  At first, you think, "That's okay! I still get presents!"  You still have lists of things you want for Christmas.  But, as the years go by, it just doesn't have the same magic, and when you're old enough to realize how much money your parent(s) spend getting you presents every year, there's hardly any magic left.  You only ask for one thing, or the proverbial "I don't know" pops up.

       It's the same with blogging, at least for me.  First, I'm so excited to blog about EVERY THING EVER that I talk about completely pointless shit based soley on the fact that it's BRAND NEW.  Then, I start to realize that the BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! isn't as magical and fantastic as I thought it was going to be.  It's actually pretty normal.  I still blog, but the glamour of it has worn off.  Then, my posts get fewer and fewer.  Then, they stop.  I usually don't start up again until some other BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEEE!!1! starts, and it's the same old thing all over again.

       I've been blessed and cursed with the ability to be hopeful.  All humans have it, but I think it's extra strong in me.  I know this, and try to warn myself against it, but there's still that small part of me that can't help but hope and dream about the best possible outcome, even when I know it will never happen.  "He probably doesn't like me, but maybe he does!"  "You're going to school for a major that probably guarentees you will have no future job and be a  poor homeless bum.  But, maybe I'll become a famous singer and everyone will hear my songs and everything!"  I know which ones will end up happening, but I still hope and hope that maybe that unlikely thing will happen.

       This time is different, though.  There isn't some BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! that has started me on this again.  I don't exactly know what did.  An inspiring friend.  A need to express myself.  A way to get my thoughts out of my head.  I don't know.  I don't even know what I'm doing with my life right now.  Maybe, here, I can kill two birds with one stone and figure out the answer to both those questions.

Or maybe I won't post on here again until some other BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! happens.

Let's find out.