I don't know anymore.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want to be. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know where I belong.
I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn. My home is becoming less and less homey, and my current world of college is equally uninviting. Great friends I've had in the past seem to be drifting away and no one new I've met is coming to take their place. I walk across campus and feel like an outsider looking in on a world I can't seem to fit into. I come home and everything feels changed. It's like all I've got left is a friend and a dog. A friend who is the only one who has bothered to make me feel like coming home was worth it and a dog who I fear every day is going to be gone the next.
So, where do I fit in?
Everywhere I look, I see groups of friends. Friends who are so happy to spend time together and, even through their bad times, always have someone to watch their backs and be there for them. Who do I have? Me. Just me. Me and a dog who doesn't understand any of the things I'm feeling because he's just a dog. An old, frail dog who doesn't have much time left in the world.
And to be honest, I so afraid of that day. I'm afraid of the day he's gone. I'm afraid because I'll miss him, but I'm mostly afraid because I think I might break then, and I don't know what will happen on that day. I've hidden so many of my emotions and feelings inside for so long that I don't know what will happen when they all break forward. Even now, I'm beginning to crack at the seems. My once solid wall isn't so solid, and there are times when I can't keep it all in and a little of it all leaks out. I cried for a good twenty minutes when I came home. I cried because I saw my dog just laying in his bed looking so weak. I cried because I was afraid he was going to have to be put down this week. I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I cried again later this week because I felt ugly. I felt ugly and fat and I'm so tired of feeling that way and pretending I don't feel that way. I didn't want to cry and I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't stop myself. I eventually did stop those times, but once I let go, I don't know if I'll know how to stop...
I'm so lost.
But no one will know, so I guess that's just how I want it to be.
