Hey there, Delilah.

The end of this semester has been a whirlwind of crazy and stress. Thankfully, it's over, and I escaped the thing with only one B, (in my most despised class,) giving me a 3.96 overall GPA. Why IUP hasn't given me any scholarships yet is beyond me...

Anyways, that's not the point of this post. What I really want to talk about is the new edition to my family! Her name is Delilah, and she is the most adorable little Great Dane puppy ever. When I say little, of course, it's relative, but she is the runt of the litter and, at 30 pounds, is quite small for a 5 month old Dane puppy. We've named her Delilah and she is quite a ball of adorable energy. There are times when she reminds me of our old dog, Sam. Perhaps it's her slight neurotic tendencies, I don't know, but I love this little dog so much.

She's afraid of wind, loves her stuffed bunny rabbit, and loves to cuddle in your lap. That last one isn't going to be able to happen forever, since she won't be able to fit in our laps before long... She loves people. LOVES people. People walking by when she's outside, people walking by on walks... She wants them to come say hi, and she wants to go say hi. She's a little attention whore. She also loves ice cubes. If you use the ice machine, she comes running, and, if you don't give her an ice cube, she will follow you around begging until you do. She is such a sweetheart and I can't wait to see her grow up. :)

Another year gone, yet nothing's different.

Last week I turned 22.

It wasn't until today that it hit me, and it wasn't in any sort of exciting, great way.

No. Instead, I just remembered that 22 years have gone by in my life without any hope of love. Not once. No first kiss. No first date. No first boyfriend. No nothing. I've been alone all 22 years of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of holding myself up. I'm tired of pretending like everything is fine and nothing is ever wrong.

Trouble is, I'm beginning to think it'll never happen. Who wants to love a socially awkward, unnecessarily tall fatass? According to the world and these past 22 years, no one. I'm probably destined to live alone for the rest of my life with just a couple of dogs to keep my company. Crazy dog lady. It's all I'll ever be.

It's not low self-esteem. It's just basic fact.

There are days when I really don't like myself.

I've had a lot of those lately.

Everyone always says tells you that happiness and acceptance comes from within, but when you're the only one who believes in yourself, there's a point where it's only foolish to keep doing so. If no one else believes, at some point, they've got to be right, right? It's you against the world. The world is a lot more people than you. It's basic math.

I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel beautiful. I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel talented. I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel special in any way at all.

People always seem to be surprised when I tell them I've never had a boyfriend and never even been kissed. To me, it's not surprising. They always ask why, and I always say I don't know. In my head, though, I know the answer. No one's ever thought I was worth it. I mean, there really isn't any other answer. How else could a girl who is almost 22 only ever been asked out once (in middle school, which doesn't even really count... It's middle school. Besides, I turned him down.)

All my life, and only one person has ever even considered wanting to date me.

What I would give to feel pretty. To feel loved. To feel special.

Instead I just feel fat and ugly. They're probably right, anyways...

Friends.

I'm pretty sure I don't have friends anymore. At least not in the real sense.

I can only think of one right now.

So I don't have friends anymore. I just have friend.

Here, though... Here I don't have any.

No friends. Not one. I can't fucking trust anyone here. I hate it.

Miss you, Omar.

   I woke up this morning to a call from my dad. He decided to take his old BMW to work in the snow and ended up getting stuck on the side of the road about half way up our street. I woke up with dread, but that wiped it out pretty well. It wasn't until I got changed, woke up my brothers to help, and headed down the stairs that I saw what I dreaded.

   His bed was empty. I knew it would be, but it hurt seeing that empty bed knowing what it meant.

   Last night, we had to put my dog down. It was the hardest decision we ever had to make, and one I ultimately ended up having to make the final decision on. He was 16 years old, and had been a part of our lives for nearly 15. I think it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't make it any harder. I miss him.

   It's funny, though, what you can learn about people in a tough situation. I learned that my dad, who was always the first one to complain about Omar's puddles or call him stupid, really did care about him. I didn't expect to see the tears in his eyes that I saw. Then there is my mother, who, unsurprisingly, had to come home from work early because she couldn't teach her students without crying. I think she still feels guilty. She always does. Then there is my younger brother, who didn't even want to be home when this happened, and didn't want to be there. It just proves that he is terrible at dealing with tough situations.

   The worst part of the ordeal for me was that last moment I turned back. After he was gone and we were leaving, I decided to look back one more time. Seeing him just lying there -- That was the hardest moment of all. Because, at that moment, he wasn't Omar. He looked like Omar, but he wasn't. That's when my heart broke.

   Some day, it'll be better, but it'll take awhile. I miss him so much, and it makes life harder not to have a warm, furry animal to make me feel better.

RIP Omar
November 20, 1994 - March 10, 2011

You made that little dash so full in our lives. Say hi to Sammy for us, and I hope all that cats up there love you as much as you love them. May the socks to chew and things to pee on be plentiful.

Breaking.

Omar's going to be put down soon.

It's only fair to him, but it hurts. So much.

I feared the day it would have to happen because I don't know if I can handle it. I feared it would be my breaking point, and I'm afraid I'm being proven right.

I hurt so much.

I wish he were here with me now because I need him. I miss him, and I can't even be with him until next week. And then he'll be gone. And I'll be left with this big, stupid hole in my heart without anything to fill it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm so lost.

Beauty.

I can't remember the last time I felt beautiful.

And I don't mean the type of cookie cutter model standard of beauty. I mean uniquely beautiful. I can't remember the last time someone who wasn't a family member or a total creep made me feel beautiful. I don't even know if there ever has been a time I felt truly beautiful. I tell myself I am, but there's only so long you can make yourself believe something when it doesn't seem that anyone else does.

It hurts. It hurts not to feel beautiful to someone. To be loved by someone. It hurts knowing there isn't someone in the world who you mean just a little more to than everyone else. I try so hard to be myself and be proud of that, but when no one else seems to think who I am is special... It hurts. It hurts so much.

It's really true what they say: "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Because, if you've lost, at least you had someone who loved you at some point in their lives. To never feel special in anyone's eyes? It sucks. It just sucks.