Crazy, stupid love.

Any time I ever mention wanting love or the fact that I hate that I've yet to find it, I always get the same general response. It's either a "Don't worry you'll find it someday," or it's someone telling me it's not worth the time and that I don't need a man in my life to be complete. Trust me, I know that. Well, I know the second one. I have yet to have any hope of proof of the first. As a 22 year old who's been single all her life and been officially feminist for 3 or 4 years now, I know that I don't need a man to complete me. That's not what I want.

Unless you've been in my position, I don't think you'd understand. All I want is to know love. I want to feel love. I want to see love. I want to be love and be in love. I want to be able to go to bed each night and know that somewhere in the world there is someone who I mean more to than anything else, whether he's sleeping beside me or half way across the world on some trip. I want someone who can make me feel more beautiful than I could ever see myself, even when I am lying in bed sick, wearing sweatpants, and my face splotchy and red from bawling my eyes out to P. S. I Love You. I want someone who will have my back when it feel like the rest of the world has turned on me and I can't hold myself together on my own. I want someone to be with, to depend on, and who can depend on me to be all that I want of him when he needs me.

I've never had that love. I've never even had that silly, really, really like with anyone. I've felt that way before, but no one has ever felt that way about me. Ever. I'm the girl who never had a date to the school dances. I'm that girl that always got looked over for someone else. When that has been your entire life, it's hard to ever believe that you'll ever find anyone who feels that way about you. It's hard to believe that anyone will find you cute or pretty or attractive or beautiful because, if no one's ever thought that in 22 years, how could it even be true?

All I want is for someone to prove me wrong. All I want is for someone to see in me something that I'm fast beginning to believe doesn't exist. I saw I don't believe in love anymore, or that I don't care, or that it doesn't matter, but it's all a lie. I do believe in love, but soon I'm going to run out of hope for myself. I can only care for so long before it hurts too much, and I don't know how much time I have left. I don't want to be a cold, bitter bitch for the rest of my life. So, Santa, all I ask for this year is love. All I've ever wanted is love. Have I been good enough this year?