Breaking.

Omar's going to be put down soon.

It's only fair to him, but it hurts. So much.

I feared the day it would have to happen because I don't know if I can handle it. I feared it would be my breaking point, and I'm afraid I'm being proven right.

I hurt so much.

I wish he were here with me now because I need him. I miss him, and I can't even be with him until next week. And then he'll be gone. And I'll be left with this big, stupid hole in my heart without anything to fill it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm so lost.

Beauty.

I can't remember the last time I felt beautiful.

And I don't mean the type of cookie cutter model standard of beauty. I mean uniquely beautiful. I can't remember the last time someone who wasn't a family member or a total creep made me feel beautiful. I don't even know if there ever has been a time I felt truly beautiful. I tell myself I am, but there's only so long you can make yourself believe something when it doesn't seem that anyone else does.

It hurts. It hurts not to feel beautiful to someone. To be loved by someone. It hurts knowing there isn't someone in the world who you mean just a little more to than everyone else. I try so hard to be myself and be proud of that, but when no one else seems to think who I am is special... It hurts. It hurts so much.

It's really true what they say: "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Because, if you've lost, at least you had someone who loved you at some point in their lives. To never feel special in anyone's eyes? It sucks. It just sucks.

All I can do is keep breathing.

I think there's something wrong with me.

I don't know what, but I don't feel right. I hate the way I feel right now. But I can't admit it. I hate admitting it. I had admitting to anyone that I'm not 100% okie dokie. I don't know if it's pride or fear or what, but I can't. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I feel alone.

I hate it.