Winter creeps ever nearer and the sky was turning black when I saw it. It was just a small speck of light flying amongst the darkening clouds, but, at that moment, it was like the unreachable light that the end of an ever-tiring tunnel. As I headed back to my tiny, depressing room, there was no place on earth I would have rather been than up in that plane, flying high above the clouds, where none of my problems and fears and sadness could find me. I want nothing more than to fly far away to a place where no one can find me; to a place where I can be free and happy. I don't want to be afraid to let go anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I feel so lost and alone and worthless and I wish I could just step on that plane and let it take me away to a place where I won't feel that anymore; a place where I can lose myself so deeply that I won't feel lost anymore. I want to forget. I want to forget the longing I feel for every single thing in my life that I'm apparently not worthy enough to have. I'm tired of trying to hold myself up when I feel like I'm falling to pieces. So let me fly. Let me fly away and leave myself behind.

I've done it again.

I have this weird problem where, if I stay up past midnight, I can't go to sleep until two in the morning, (maybe one if I'm lucky.) If I am in bed before midnight, there's no problem. I don't really get it. So, here I am, about to tell you some not-so-random, jumbled-up story of the mess that is my life.

For the first time since I started college here, I like someone. Not just that, "Oh, he's cute and I would probably go out with him if he asked me to," either. Really like him. That like where just seeing him makes you smile and you always wonder what he's thinking of you. That like where you find yourself sitting somewhere and wondering what he's up to or where he's at because you wish you could be there with you. That like where you suddenly become self conscious of everything you do because you wonder what he thinks about it. That like that makes you do incredibly stupid things. That like that could maybe someday be something so much more if only he felt the same way.

Trouble is, he's already busy liking someone else. Once again, I've gone and found myself a guy I can't have in the first place. (The only thing I can be thankful about is that, this time, it's not because he's gay.) I knew I shouldn't have let myself get this way. I knew I should have done something to stop it, but I don't think there's much of anything I could have done. All I can do now is lock away my feelings like always and pray he doesn't figure me out because I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend, too.

So, here I am. 1:30am and I'm still awake, wishing I could go to bed; wishing I could stop liking him. I don't want my heart to break again because my heart won't listen to my head.

So much for being a heartless bitch.

Heartless Bitch.

I've decided to become one.

I'm sick and fucking tired of emotions and feelings and all that bullshit that just ends up making me feel like shit. It's not worth my time and it's not like anyone cares about my heart anyways. No one even notices it's there. Either they're completely oblivious to it, or assume it's made of goddamn steel. It's not. It's a weak piece of shit that does incredibly stupid things my brain tells it not to.

So I'm done. No one will ever see it again, and I'm half tempted to hide it so far away that I won't even remember where it is.

For now, though, I'll just hide it from everyone else and only bring it out in the deep recesses of my dark room while watching P.S. I Love You so as to remind myself why I don't want the stupid thing anyways.

Fuck love. It hasn't done a fucking thing for me, so I'm done waiting around for it. Goodbye, heart. Hello, heartless bitch.

Creeping.

Sooooo...

Someone around here is straight up creeping on this blog. Unless everyone who has been on here lately just happens to have an Android, which I highly doubt.

It wouldn't be so creepy if, whoever it was, didn't come here EVERY SINGLE DAY, despite me not having posted anything in at least a week, maybe more. I honestly don't keep up with how frequently I post.

But yeah.

Creepy creeper is creeping.

It's hard...

It's hard to accept yourself when nobody around you seems to accept you.

It's hard to feel beautiful when no one else seems to think that you are.

It's hard to trust when no one around you feels trustworthy.

It's hard to be around people when no one seems to want to be around you.

It's hard to love yourself when no one around you seems to love you.

I have feelings, too.

I have feelings, too.

People seem to forget that. Whether it's because I put on a good show or because just they don't care, I don't know.

I have feelings and hopes and dreams. I have wants and needs, but they never happen for me.

I always get left behind. Left out. Forgotten.

Unloved.

And I'm afraid I always will be.

Changing places, changing life.

     This summer did not turn out the way I expected it to. Besides having a new dog in the house, nothing was as expected. By the end of the summer, I was working anywhere between 50-60 hours a week between two jobs and things were falling apart. Needless to say, by the end of summer, I couldn't wait to leave town. I wasn't necessarily ready to get back to college, but at least it was an escape.

     Now, here I am, and I am feeling happier than I have in quite some time. I feel more included than I have all summer and my friends are putting a smile on my face that has been missing for a while now. This isn't the happiest I've ever felt - not by a long shot - but I am already in a much better place than I was back home. Hopefully, things begin to look up because I don't want to be back where I was this summer and this past spring...