I've done it again.

I have this weird problem where, if I stay up past midnight, I can't go to sleep until two in the morning, (maybe one if I'm lucky.) If I am in bed before midnight, there's no problem. I don't really get it. So, here I am, about to tell you some not-so-random, jumbled-up story of the mess that is my life.

For the first time since I started college here, I like someone. Not just that, "Oh, he's cute and I would probably go out with him if he asked me to," either. Really like him. That like where just seeing him makes you smile and you always wonder what he's thinking of you. That like where you find yourself sitting somewhere and wondering what he's up to or where he's at because you wish you could be there with you. That like where you suddenly become self conscious of everything you do because you wonder what he thinks about it. That like that makes you do incredibly stupid things. That like that could maybe someday be something so much more if only he felt the same way.

Trouble is, he's already busy liking someone else. Once again, I've gone and found myself a guy I can't have in the first place. (The only thing I can be thankful about is that, this time, it's not because he's gay.) I knew I shouldn't have let myself get this way. I knew I should have done something to stop it, but I don't think there's much of anything I could have done. All I can do now is lock away my feelings like always and pray he doesn't figure me out because I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend, too.

So, here I am. 1:30am and I'm still awake, wishing I could go to bed; wishing I could stop liking him. I don't want my heart to break again because my heart won't listen to my head.

So much for being a heartless bitch.