Day Four.

A habit you wish you didn't have:

I have plenty of those. I wish I weren't so unmotivated. I wish I didn't eat when bored. I think the habit I most wish I didn't have would be my unwillingness to confide in people. I just don't. For many reasons. Sometimes I don't want to bother people with my issues. I always think they're not that big and other people have their own problems to deal with, why should I bother them with mine? Sometimes I don't trust people. I assume they're not going to care or use it against me. I don't let people get close.

So, yeah. That's that...

Day Three.

Three: A picture of you and your friends.

I've had a fair few groups of friends over the years. Some of those friends were wonderful, some weren't. I do what I can to forget those who weren't, but I'll never forget the ones who were there for me, even if I don't see them often anymore. The friends in this picture are some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I am so blessed to have them in my life. They really helped me to become myself and be my own person. They are always there for a good laugh and a good rant. I honestly don't know what my life would be like without them. This is the gang. We might not see each other as often as we used to back in high school, but we're still a pretty awesome group of friends. As you can tell by the picture, we're quite ridiculous.

Day Two.

The meaning behind your name:

When I was born, my parents didn't exactly agree on what they wanted to name me. My mom was campaigning for "Rachel" while my dad was pushing hard for "Anastasia." (As much as I love the name Anastasia, it wouldn't really go with my ridiculously long last name. Unfortunately.) Neither of them were budging. That's when my older brother, who was around three at the time, gave the name "Daniel." It was at that moment that I was named "Danielle" after my mom's grandfather. Or so I thought.

This is what I was told for many years. It wasn't until a few years ago that my mom let the real story slip while my family was out to dinner with my aunt and uncle and cousins. Apparently, the idea to name me "Danielle" was not my brother's idea. Instead, what happened was that my mom, knowing my dad wasn't budging and didn't want Rachel as my name either, quietly suggested the name to my brother, knowing that my dad might better accept the name if his son were to say it. It worked. It was at that moment that I was named "Danielle" after my mom's grandfather.

Danielle the feminine French version of the Hebrew name "Daniel" which means "God is my Judge." Oddly enough, I feel this kind of fits me. I've always stood by the thought that it's not my job to judge people, it's God's job. I don't know if a lot of things are right or wrong. Hell, I don't even know if God actually exists in any shape or form. So who am I to say that something is wrong? If you're an asshole, yeah, I'm going to judge you for that, because I'm pretty sure I know what makes an asshole. But when it comes to things that can't be proven by common knowledge, then it's not my place to judge. I don't know who'll go to "heaven" or "hell" so I don't have a right to condemn someone for things that I can't know for certain. Jesus didn't judge people. He accepted all kinds of people, so shouldn't I do the same? Shouldn't you do the same? Judge people for their actions and the way they treat others, not who they are. Why should I condemn someone for loving someone else? That just sounds stupid.

So yeah.

That's my name.

Day One

There's this thing a lot of people seem to be doing lately on Facebook that I've been contemplating doing. It wasn't until I found out that it started on Blogger that I decided to do it and do it here. So here it goes. 30 days worth of posts. (Don't expect it to be every day. Let's be serious, it's me here.)

Day One:

A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself:

My first time playing airsoft.

1. My last name is ridiculously German. Because of that, I refuse to actually learn German because I don't want to prove anyone's assumption correct that I know the language.
2. I hate being German because I feel it is the main reason I am ridiculously tall and wide.
3. I feel people are intimidated by my size.
4. I find this incredibly annoying because I'm a really nice person and not intimidating at all. At least I don't think so.
5. I am incredibly shy around strangers, but can be really loud and outgoing around friends.
6. One of my new favorite shows on TV is "The Walking Dead" and whenever I watch it I become irrationally afraid of the Zombie Apocalypse.
7. I do believe the Zombie Apocalypse can happen and am preparing myself for it.
8. I am a feminist. No, I do not burn bras, nor do I never shave. I don't have men, either. At least not most of the time.
9. I am secretly a nerd. I don't think people ever suspect me of this, though.
10. I think I'm funny. I'm aware that I'm not always as funny as I think I am. I do have my moments, though.
11. I have an irrational fear of calling people on the phone.
12. I have never been kissed.
13. I am really bad at filling these things out.
14. I am attracted to musical talent and celebrities over the age of 30.
15. I'm pretty much doing this for myself because I don't think anyone actually reads this on a regular basis.

Drifting Away.

I'm losing my friends. Slowly, but surely, I'm losing my friends. And I don't really have any new ones. I've met many new people and made new acquaintances, but none of them are close enough to be friends.

My high school friends are moving on. They have their new friends, and I'm slowly being left alone. I fear the day I have no one left...

I fear it's coming soon and I don't know what to do.

But it's not like anyone's going to notice.

Redo

Can I get a redo?

I just want a button that I can press to restart everything. Forget everything and start anew.

I try to change things. I try to make things different, but, for every step forward I take, I feel like I take 20 steps back. I can't make a difference. I can't change things. I try to make new friends, but I never do. The friends I have I can't let myself connect to. I feel so alone and lost and I don't know how to fix it.

I can't connect. I can pretend to, and I must do a good enough job of it to fool people, because no one seems to notice it. It's funny that I'm not a great actor, but I can pretend so well in real life.

Maybe if I could forget everything, things would change. I wouldn't have the fears I have to hold me back. I wouldn't be so self-conscious. I wouldn't be so pathetic.

So, please, can I have a redo?

Lost.

I don't know anymore.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want to be. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know where I belong.

I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn. My home is becoming less and less homey, and my current world of college is equally uninviting. Great friends I've had in the past seem to be drifting away and no one new I've met is coming to take their place. I walk across campus and feel like an outsider looking in on a world I can't seem to fit into. I come home and everything feels changed. It's like all I've got left is a friend and a dog. A friend who is the only one who has bothered to make me feel like coming home was worth it and a dog who I fear every day is going to be gone the next.

So, where do I fit in?

Everywhere I look, I see groups of friends. Friends who are so happy to spend time together and, even through their bad times, always have someone to watch their backs and be there for them. Who do I have? Me. Just me. Me and a dog who doesn't understand any of the things I'm feeling because he's just a dog. An old, frail dog who doesn't have much time left in the world.

And to be honest, I so afraid of that day. I'm afraid of the day he's gone. I'm afraid because I'll miss him, but I'm mostly afraid because I think I might break then, and I don't know what will happen on that day. I've hidden so many of my emotions and feelings inside for so long that I don't know what will happen when they all break forward. Even now, I'm beginning to crack at the seems. My once solid wall isn't so solid, and there are times when I can't keep it all in and a little of it all leaks out. I cried for a good twenty minutes when I came home. I cried because I saw my dog just laying in his bed looking so weak. I cried because I was afraid he was going to have to be put down this week. I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I cried again later this week because I felt ugly. I felt ugly and fat and I'm so tired of feeling that way and pretending I don't feel that way. I didn't want to cry and I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't stop myself. I eventually did stop those times, but once I let go, I don't know if I'll know how to stop...

I'm so lost.

But no one will know, so I guess that's just how I want it to be.