One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I can't even explain how I'm feeling right now. One minute I'm feeling great and the next I'm stressed or lonely or unsure. I'm so moody, lately, and I hate it. I don't even know why.

I think part of it has to do with this irrational fear of people not liking me for absolutely no reason. Or at least no reason I know or understand. I think I know why I have this fear, but we don't need to get into the psychology of it, since it doesn't seem to affect this irrational fear anyways. It's a fear that I can't seem to shake, no matter how silly I tell myself it is. I guess it's tied to that fear that I'll never find love. So, instead of trying my best to face my fear of people not liking me and going out and trying to find love, I shy away from strangers and new faces because I think it's easier to hide my heart and keep it safe than take the risk of getting it broken, whether in friendship or love.

I'm kind of a little fucked up, I guess.

Bigfoot vs. The Shoe Industry

I HATE shoe shopping.



That's not exactly true.

       Let me be more specific.  I don't actually hate looking at shoes.  I actually quite like it.  There are so many different kinds of shoes and they're all so cute!  (Mostly.  Those Ugg boots are ugly as fuck.  Hate them.)  What I hate about shoe shopping is this: They rarely ever have my size.  The only place I know of that consistently does is Payless, and, while their shoes are cute, they aren't particularly long lasting.  In any other store, if they have my size, it's never in the shoes I like.  I can't remember the last time I went to a nice department store and found a pair of 11s that weren't some hideous excuse for a pair of shoes.

       I know what you're going to say next.  "What about shopping online?  Surely you can find something there in your size!"  Ignoring the fact that I would much rather try the shoe on in person to see if I like the way it fits and how it looks on my foot, I have tried this. Sometimes, it works.  A lot of the times, it doesn't.  Case in point: I have been looking for a decent pair of boots for over a year now.  I have yet to find a pair that I like that comes in my size.  And, even if I do find that, there's always the good chance that, when I get those boots in the mail, they still aren't going to fit because my calves are asshole mutants of nature and like to send out a big screw you to me whenever I try on boots.  The boot might fit my foot, but it doesn't always fit my jackass huge calf. 

       "Okay," you might say. "Why not try a different kind of boot?" Want to know what I'd say to you? "Fuck you." Yup. Fuck you, because it's my money and I know what kind of boots I want and I have a right as a greedy corporate American customer to get what I want. I'm not going to buy some other type of boot that I don't want because companies can't make a boot that fits me.  I'm tired of stores implying that I'm some sort of freak of nature because my shoe size is bigger than "average."  You know what?  My mom has the same size shoe as me.  My friend has a size bigger than me.  There are many "average" women out there who share my shoe size, and I find it's a disservice to us that stores and shoe companies can't supply our demands.  We have just as much of a right as the size 7 footed women out there to have cute shoes and boots, and I'm tired of being counted out because I'm too tall or too big.  Fuck you.

Average, Same-Old Life Moment

It's been awhile.

       This always happens, though.  I start some BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! and I think, "Hey!  I'll blog about it so that everyone can experience all the awesomeness I will!"  A few months later, I realize my BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! is nowhere near as exciting as the movies and TV make them out to be, so I get bored and stop blogging.  It's like finding out Santa isn't real.  (Sorry if I ruined it for anyone!)

       When you think Santa is real, Christmas is so exciting because, every year, some big jolly guy with a beard and a red suit manages to fly around the world with 8 reindeer to deliver everyone presents.  You don't know how he does it, and you don't know how he gets into your house if you don't have a chimney, but you could care less.  Santa is leaving you magical presents!  Then you get older, and you begin to see the holes, and you eventually figure out he's not real.  At first, you think, "That's okay! I still get presents!"  You still have lists of things you want for Christmas.  But, as the years go by, it just doesn't have the same magic, and when you're old enough to realize how much money your parent(s) spend getting you presents every year, there's hardly any magic left.  You only ask for one thing, or the proverbial "I don't know" pops up.

       It's the same with blogging, at least for me.  First, I'm so excited to blog about EVERY THING EVER that I talk about completely pointless shit based soley on the fact that it's BRAND NEW.  Then, I start to realize that the BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! isn't as magical and fantastic as I thought it was going to be.  It's actually pretty normal.  I still blog, but the glamour of it has worn off.  Then, my posts get fewer and fewer.  Then, they stop.  I usually don't start up again until some other BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEEE!!1! starts, and it's the same old thing all over again.

       I've been blessed and cursed with the ability to be hopeful.  All humans have it, but I think it's extra strong in me.  I know this, and try to warn myself against it, but there's still that small part of me that can't help but hope and dream about the best possible outcome, even when I know it will never happen.  "He probably doesn't like me, but maybe he does!"  "You're going to school for a major that probably guarentees you will have no future job and be a  poor homeless bum.  But, maybe I'll become a famous singer and everyone will hear my songs and everything!"  I know which ones will end up happening, but I still hope and hope that maybe that unlikely thing will happen.

       This time is different, though.  There isn't some BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! that has started me on this again.  I don't exactly know what did.  An inspiring friend.  A need to express myself.  A way to get my thoughts out of my head.  I don't know.  I don't even know what I'm doing with my life right now.  Maybe, here, I can kill two birds with one stone and figure out the answer to both those questions.

Or maybe I won't post on here again until some other BIG NEW LIFE EXPERIENCEEE!!1! happens.

Let's find out.

Soooo. It's been awhile...

[tunes]: none



So. It's been a long time. And a lot has happened in that time. Sorry I haven't been updating! Tonight is not going to be the update none of you have been waiting for, but I wanted to let you know I've noticed. I hope to finally get around to updating you on the last month sometime during my Thanksgiving Break.

Sunday, busy Sunday

[tunes]: Nothing, though I could use some right now.



Hey all, I meant to tell you about Sunday sooner, but I've been busy with things and, honestly, not quite in the mood. Still not quite in the mood, but I figure I should probably tell you about it anyways, since, if I put it off much longer it'll get lost in the upcoming days.


Sunday was busy, to put it simply. First, there was church, which I had to be there by 9 for choir warm-ups. I hadn't been there in awhile, since I wasn't in town the Sunday before and I completely forgot to go to Thursday's practice until I was sitting to dinner at Erin's. By then it was after 6, and a little too late to show up. Oops! After church I zipped back to my place to iron my Chorale dress, since I forgot to do it before then and get ready for the rest of the day.

Carrying all my stuff, (except for the presents for Maura and Sammy, which I completely forgot at the time,) I walked over to Erin's for the birthday party. Her parents and sister (my aunt, uncle, and cousin) were there already and my parents got into town not too long after. My grandma and Aunt Mary also showed up, and it was really nice to see them. I had to skip out fairly quick for the Chorale concert that was also that day, but I was coming back afterwards.

The Chorale concert was hot. Really. I was sweating so much on that stage. Other than that I really enjoyed it. I actually missed singing in a chorus. It's been over two years since I last did! I also enjoyed most of the music we sang, which is also a plus. Out in the audience, my parents were attempting to take pictures, much to my dislike. Luckily, they told me afterwards they lighting was bad and they didn't turn out well. Phew!

Then it was back to Erin's for a little while longer, after swinging by my place to grab the gifts I forgot that morning, of course! Have I mentioned I love my family? Oh, more than once? Well, it bears repeating. My mom's side of the family is awesome. (My dad's side of the family is non-existant since he is an only child. That doesn't make my mom's side any more or less awesome, though.)


Well, that was my Sunday in it's very basic form. Sammy and Maura loved their presents, and everyone loved the little baby shoes my mom picked out for baby Emily. (I was with my mom when she picked out the outfit... You should see how excited she gets when baby shopping. Good to know my future kids will have way too much stuff because of her.)


Writing this actually put me in a slightly better mood. Hmm.

"I'm not touching youuu!"

[tunes]: Keith Harkin.



I was going to update you on yesterday's festivities, but I am so worn out right now. I've been worn out for quite some time, actually, and it's beginning to get on my nerves. It doesn't matter how many hours of sleep I (attempt) to get, I can't shake it off. I think it has to do with the obnoxious amount of meds I've been taking recently to fend off the excruciating pain I get in my side. I really mean excruciating--I'm not trying to make it sound worse than it is. I've thrown up more than once because of the pain. It's really not fun. I'd explain the cause of the pain, but it gets a little awkward, so I'd rather not. Side pain. That's what it's going to be known as.

It started the end of this summer and came out of no where. I was just starting cleaning my room when I had this pain around my armpit. I had no idea what it was. I figured maybe I pulled something, (how, I have no idea, because it's not like I did anything that would have hurt it,) so I decided to sit down for a little while and wait until it went away. That's when the side pain started in and it only got worse from there. Ended up going to the hospital. (Twice, that day, actually, since the pain had disappeared by the time the doctor got to me the first time.) They did lots of tests, figured out what the cause was, gave me drugs and after a day or two I was feeling completely normal again. It came back again a monthish later but it was easily subdued, (no hospital necessary,) and everything was fine again. Then, just a few weeks ago, it came back and I was back at the hospital once more. They gave me more drugs, but, this time, I haven't been able to completely get rid of the pain. It's like that pesky little brother in those commercials going "I'm not touching youuuuu!" Yeah, he's technically not touching you, but it's still annoying as hell! LEAVE ME ALONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!1!

So yeah. Long story short, I'm worn out, and the day this pain fully goes away will be a blessed day, indeed. It's literally a pain in my side, but, metaphorically, it's also a pain in my ass.


Change of topic. I think I'll leave you with my "You should go listen to So-and-So!" spiel that I usually do. (I always thought there were more letters in the word 'speil'. Like 'schpiel'. Or 'shpiel'. Anyways.) I know I've mentioned this guy before, since I distinctly remember telling you to go give his sister's stuff a listen, (Rebecca Harkin, if you don't remember,) and he's also one of those talented Celtic Thunder guys, but I don't remember if I ever gave him is own spotlight, so here it is. If I have, he deserves another one. I just love his stuff! Not only is he a fantastic singer, he's also a talented guitarist and songwriter, amongst other things. One of the songs he wrote, "Lauren & I," he sings in Celtic Thunder, so I know I'm not the only one who sees just how talented he is. I'm just waiting for when his solo CD finally comes out. No clue as to when that will be, but you can bet that I will be buying it quick! If you want to take a listen for yourself, you can check out his myspace: http://www.myspace.com/keithharkin or look him up on YouTube, there's lots of stuff there. He's also got his own website that you can take a look at: http://keithharkin.com/

I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a! I love to sing-a!

[tunes]: none.



So. I feel like I should probably tell you how that audition for the music department went. Besides messing up a little bit here and there, it went pretty well. I was shaking like crazy, though, which is very unusual for me. Normally I get a little nervous, but don't shake much until after I'm done. This time, my legs were going like crazy and I couldn't get them to stop. Strangest thing ever. But, once I was done, they talked to me for a little and then I left. Later that day I got a call from one of the people in the audition and got the unofficial results of it. They are as follows; in my own words, of course...

I was an idiot for trying out for the BFA since I don't really have any classical training. Apparently, the BFA is for people who have been doing that kind of stuff for years and years and such. Oops! While I felt a little bit like a prize idiot, I'm not all that fussed by the mistake. Nothing I can do about it now, and I learned a lesson from it. However, they did think that I have potential and I will be, instead, doing a BA in Music-Performance. I can start with that and then audition again later after I've had more training. The fact that they think I have potential is an encouraging fact and I'm quite happy with the results as they are. My Chorale teacher, who was also part of the pannel for the audition told me the same thing the other day and it makes me really happy that he felt that way. I think, if he had his way, I might have even been in the BFA program, which makes me feel special. He's such a sweet guy and I'm really glad to have him as a teacher.


Let's see. Is there anything else I was going to talk about? Well, I had this really strange dream the night before last where this guy who I'm kind of sort of interested in turned out to be gay. Rather disappointing in that respect, but it was an interesting dream overall. I think the whole "him turning out to be gay" part was due to the fact that, for awhile, I wasn't exactly sure if he was gay or not. I'm still not 100% sure, actually, but I'm pretty certain he's straight. My life, sometimes...

Other than that typically strange dream of mine, I don't have much else to say about the past few days. Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I haven't been so busy in quite awhile. First, there's church, which I haven't been to since the week before last. (That whole being in a lot of pain thing had a lot to do with that.) Then, my parents should be arriving sometime after that and it's over to Erin's for her kids' birthday party a little after noon. From there, I have to go over to Gorell at 2 for warm-ups before the 3 o'clock concert that my parents are coming to. Then, it's back to Erin's for mor birthday party-ness and general visiting with relatives. It'll be a busy, but fun day, I think.

WAIT! I forgot to mention that I finally got to see Erin's new baby! She is so cuteeee! I got to hold her, too! I went over there Thursday evening after the audition for dinner, which her Aunt Cami brought and I had a lot of fun playing with Maura and Sammy. I gave Sugar plenty of attention, too, and she was loving that. She was even giving me kisses, which Erin said meant that she really loved it. (I miss my doggie!)


Well, that's it for now. I think I'll head back to my place and read that chapter for history class that I'm supposed to and finally clean my room. I should also head over to Goodwill and look for some stuff for my Halloween costume... I'm feeling unmotivated to do that, though. Stupid overcast weather...