After a While

It's been awhile. Sorry. Life's got me busy as all hell and there are days when I feel like I'm getting absolutely nothing done despite of how busy I am. It's like a never ending circle of work, but the end is finally drawing near. Unfortunately, the end also brings on even more work and I have yet to figure out how I'm going to get it all done.

I just stumbled on this poem, and, while I don't have much time to fill you in on my life, I thought I'd post it here.

After a While

After a while you learn 
The subtle difference between 
Holding a hand and chaining a soul 
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 
And company doesn't always mean security. 

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts 
And presents aren't promises 
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead 
With the grace of a woman 
Not the grief of a child

And you learn 
To build all your roads on today 
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans 
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn 
That even sunshine burns if you get too much 
So you plant your own garden 
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn 
That you really can endure
That you are really strong 
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn 
With every good bye you learn.

-- Jorge Luis Borges (Translated by: Veronica A. Shoffstall)

Losing myself.

I am sitting, but I feel like the world is falling around me. I can feel everything changing and I'm scared. The few things I have left that keep me tied to home are slipping away and nothing pulls me anywhere else. I'm losing home. Soon I won't have a place where I belong and I don't know what to do. I'm floating or falling, depending on how you care to view it. Unfortunately, I've never been good with change.

I am sitting here feeling more alone than I have in a long time, unable to cry for help. Muted by my fear of letting anyone in.

At least I have my dog. She loves me even as the rest of the world turns away. She loves me when no one else ever has.

And still it's not enough.

A good day.

Today was a good day. The weather was gorgeous, and, for the first time in a while, I felt good. I wasn't exhausted or upset or stressed or any of the things I had been all this weekend. I just got to relax for the first time in a long time and I needed it more than anything. I spent all day with friends and played with guinea pigs in the oak grove. I laughed to the point of almost crying and spent 10 minutes silently laughing while trying not to laugh in the middle of a church service. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was a part of a big group of friends and I didn't once worry they didn't actually want to be around me.

Today was a good day. A good day with good weather, spent with good friends, having a good time. I felt good. It was good. I was good. I needed that.

Untitled.

I'd go to the end of the world for you, but I don't think you'd even notice when I got there. Why would I expect you to when you have so much more to choose from? You'd think I'd be used to being second best by now. To being overlooked. Forgotten. You'd think my heart would stop breaking each time I'm reminded of it. I'm a fool for thinking things would ever be different. I'm a fool for thinking that, for once, someone could possibly love me.

Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?

Be still, my beating heart.

Be still, my beating heart.
I know he draws near.
I know you long for things that cannot be.
Don't give yourself away.

Be still, my beating heart.
I know his eyes are warm.
I know you long for them to see you.
Don't give yourself away.

I know his lips look soft.
I know his smile's inviting.
I know you long to feel his lips.
To feel them pressed upon your own.
Don't give yourself away.

Be still, my beating heart.
I know you feel his beating, too.
I know you long it beats for you.
Don't give yourself away.

Be still, my beating heart.
For this will never be.
He loves another, just let him go.
Don't give yourself away.

Love.

Love.
Funny word, love.
So small, and yet it can mean so much.
Or so little.
It's an overused word that, in the end, never seems to lose it's meaning.
A word that, when said by the right person at the right time, can change everything.

Love.
I wish I knew love.
The way the stories tell and the songs sing.
And the poems rhyme.
A love that can't even be measured in words and, in the end, never loses it's meaning.
A love that, when from the right person, can change everything.

Love.
I want that.
But will it ever want me?

Head vs. Heart

I sit here in a failed attempt to get work done, instead, drowning in whirlwind of thoughts flying through my head. I can't get them out of my head. I can't get him out of my head. I told myself time and time again that I was being stupid and I would only end up hurting myself, but my heart didn't listen. It refused to listen, thinking it would never amount to much. It was harmless, liking him. I didn't like him that much. But, somehow, without noticing, it became to much, and my foolish, foolish heart is hurt again, through no fault but it's own. I knew it would happen, but I couldn't help myself. And now I sit here trying not to let it get to me. Trying to focus on something else that needs to get done, but I can't. And I don't know how to let it go. I don't know how to get over it. I need to move on, but I don't know where to move to.

Is it time for break, yet?